I went to see Cirque du Soleil (Totem) last week and left with my mind going a little bit crazy with thoughts about fear and my tendency to hold back who I am in performance (and in life). First a quick precursor.

Confessions from a Recent Callback

After receiving two callbacks for a theatre company in Vancouver (for a role I really wanted), I was met by the producer of the show outside the theatre after pass one at the sides. She took me and the scene partner that I was auditioning with aside and with a no nonsense sort of energy told us “look, if you want to be in this play you’re going to have to fight for it. Show us that you belong on that stage.” I want to be able to tell you some amazing story about how I took what she said and walked on that stage with an abandon and a fullness that blew them away, but the truth is that her words anchored me to the ground with fear and doubt. I thought of performers that I look up to. Wouldn’t/shouldn’t that comment have lit a fire underneath me and made me fight for myself? Wouldn’t it have for anyone else?

If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, here are some things you probably know about me.
Truth #1: I am a very ambitious person.
Truth #2: I work my butt off all of the time (in fact, I needlessly memorized the entire 5 page prologue for the show in an effort to understand the character better).

I’m fine with these truths. These are truths that I want to keep alive. But right now I am also easily discouraged and intimidated (especially by other woman – why do we do that to ourselves?), and I have a tendency to make myself small in order to make others feel comfortable. I know that I’m not the only person who does this.

What This Has to Do with Cirque du Soleil

Flash forward to sitting in the audience of Cirque du Soleil (Totem) with Greg.

Have you ever been to a Cirque du Soleil show? It’s incredible. The agility and strength with which each of the performers move across the stage is  inspiring. Every performer on that stage is at the true height of their powers. They are all completely present, aware and alive. But they have to be. If they (even for a moment) allowed themselves to be small they would lose their footing/fail to reach their partners hand and fall. They can’t afford to be small because by being small they sacrifice not only their own safety, but the safety of their partner. Their partner (actually the entire company) is counting on them to be huge. They need them to be unimpeded by doubt and uncertainly, because doubt can only make your arms grow shorter as you reach for the bar that is suddenly an inch too far away. Sure, I’m sure that each of these individuals have many moments of doubt in their regular lives. That is human after all. But while on the stage they must set all of that down and step instead into power, belief and uninhibited play.

Perhaps there will be someone (probably lots of people) in the audience who looks inwardly at themselves and feels small and insufficient as they watch these performers move across the stage (me). But the company can’t be weighed down by the small minded and those who are currently too mentally weak to recognize that the greatness they are sharing is available in all of us. We all have the ability (maybe even the responsibility) to shine as brightly as we are able. Instead of thinking of the people you could be discouraging by being huge, maybe a better approach would be to shift our attention to the people we could be lifting up by sharing the complete expression of who we are.

Imagine a world where we didn’t hold back, and encouraged each other to shine (and not in that insecure way where you urge others to shine… but not brighter than you!).

I let myself down at that audition because I was afraid to shine. I was afraid to see myself as the leading lady. It’s a struggle that I’m still working through, but I know I will get past it. Everyday I can feel my own spiritual strength expanding. Everyday I believe in myself a little bit more. Naturally there are low points (sometimes extremely low points), but I think that’s only natural (or so my friend Jax tells me) when you’re stretching beyond your comfort zone and opening your heart to life.

Encourage someone you know to be big today. I think it’s important that we do this for each other.